Schule & Referate
|Könnt ihr euch das ma durchlesen und ma schauen, ob ihr Fehler findet?|
1.Amok run in Emsdetten
Shots, explosions, the smoke of smoke-bombs, hundreds of policemen and thirty-seven injured persons: the secondary school “Geschwister-Scholl “ in Emsdetten was the location for a bloody revenge.
With two sawed off rifles and the trousers prepare with self-made explosive the masked 18 years old boy was appeared on the school yard. One and a half hour later, he was founded dead by the police. Three boys, one girl and one caretaker were hurt by his shots.
The mission seems to be planed for a long time. The culprit had left a suicide note in the internet. There he expressed his hate of the school. “ I want revenge” he wrote and “you have to die”.
The young man, dressed ever in black, was a loner, didn’t have friends. He spends a lot of time on cemeteries.
The classmates said, that he loves guns and is interested in violent computer games.
In the internet he poses with guns and a submachine gun. In addition the people told, that he bought arms, munitions, elements of explosives and fuse about the internet.
All in all thirty-seven persons were injured, sixteen policemen, twenty-one people from the school. Mostly smoke poisonings or shocks.
Now a discussion about a prohibition of violent computer games is broken out.
2. Stephanie doesn’t have to testify
In the morning of 11th of January Stephanie was carried off. For five weeks the culprit abuse she sexually and violate she. He films that with his camera. Mario M. confessed all.
One and a half week after Mario M. was climbing on the roof of the prison the case was continued. His victim, the thirteen years old Stephanie wouldn’t testify.
For the first time Stephanie’s father sat in the court.
At first the child want testify, so that Mario M. get the maximum penalty. But now Stephanie is very scared und doesn’t want to see him again.
3. Local news: Opening of the Christmas fair
Tomorrow the Christmas fair in Magdeburg would be open at 5 o’clock pm. 131 booths are there, 11 000 metres fairy lights and 4000 Christmas trees.
It would give a full program. For example the “Hot Banditoz” and “Bell,Book&Candle”will be there. Furthermore fairytale would be told and so on.
This Christmas fair is open from Monday till Thursday and Sunday from 11 o’clock am till 10 o’clock pm , Friday and Saturday till 11 o’clock pm.
|ich bin kein lehrer, aber das sind meine vorschläge:|
"persons" -> es gibt keine mehrzahl von person. müsste people heißen.
"trousers prepare with" -> prepared; bin mir nicht sicher, ob trousers richtig geschrieben ist?!
"he was founded dead.." -> das klingt ziemlich blöd. ich würd daraus irgendwas wie "they found him lying on the floor after commiting suicide" machen - oder so ^^
"his hate of school" -> vllt eher about? [mit präpositionen hab ichs nicht so]
"classmates said that he love.." -> ich würd danach vergangenheit verwenden, denn schließlich ist er tot. also loved und was interested..
"he films" -> vllt eher: "he filmed [gibts da nichts besseres für?] every action with his camera"
boah keine ahnung, jetzt ist meine konzentration weg ^^
|also zu ende lesen will ich nicht, is mir zu viel. aufgefallen is mir in zeile 8: es heißt "he was found" "He was founded" heißt nämlich er wurde gegründet.|
und in zeile 14: statt "dressed ever in black" würd ich sagen "ever dressed in black"
|The classmates said, that he loves guns and is interested in violent computer games. -> loved|
In the internet he poses with guns and a submachine gun. -> kannst submachine auch weglassen, is doppelt ...
from the school, the school ... -> bitte lass "the" weg
is broken out -> ist ausgebrochen? Ich denke mal, dass ist falsch in deinem Zusammenhang. Vllt: Now the discussion about a prohibition of violent computer games is the current issue.
Ich mag allgemein deinen grammatikalischen Stil nicht so sehr, würde ich einiges ändern.
black dressed klingt besser
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